in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
