im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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