I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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