I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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