Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
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