Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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