I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
