I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
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Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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