saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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