Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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