my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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