Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
