He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
