we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
