look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i want to swaddle you in tequila
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
So squirting runs in the family.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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