I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
