How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
