she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
