He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
