i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
