Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
