fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Man, jail baloney is awful.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
