Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
