Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
