I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
