I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
