he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
