my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
