did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Randomize
