i love accidental penises.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
