I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
