So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
