You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
