I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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