I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
