i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
