Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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