His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
