So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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