Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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