walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
