ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
