Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
