I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
