Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
