My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
