Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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