Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
