just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
