there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
