Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
