On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
