Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize