It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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