I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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