highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
