he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
